Confidence: The Ugly Man's Sense of Humor

You've all seen it before. A beautiful girl is with a guy who looks like he eats billy goats underneath a bridge. And you think to yourself, "How in theee hell did he get her?" 

Confidence is the answer. Take a billy goat eating man and add some confidence, and voila....he becomes the most attractive man on the planet. 

Confidence says to the world, "I love me and so should you. I'm comfortable with the way that I am and the world should love me exactly how I view myself." 

On the other side of the confidence spectrum lies insecurity, indecisiveness, and low self-worth.  Confident people make decisions and they are proud of their decisions. People who are not confident about themselves struggle with making little and big decisions. They have trouble deciding on everything from what they feel like eating to whether they should get married to a person they have been dating for years. 

So why is lack of confidence so unattractive? It's like someone who cooks an immaculate dinner for you. You say, "That was THE best dinner I have ever eaten in my life." Their response: "The potatoes were dry. I really over seasoned the meat. I dried out the spinach and I really should have taken the pound cake out 30 seconds earlier."

Now imagine that EVERY single night that you eat dinner. It gets old. Fast. No one wants to be with someone they feel they have to motivate and constantly build up. The last thing a confident person wants is someone  they have to constantly reassure.

"No, I won't cheat on you."

"Yes, you really are beautiful."

"No, you are not fat.  I love your body!"

Confidence is precisely why more people try to speak to you when you are dating someone else. It is because your confidence and happiness are all over your face and actions. Confidence is similar to that feeling you have two seconds after walking out of the hair you are unstoppable. Your actions, emotions, and feelings manifest that same feeling inside out. 

It is completely opposite from the feeling you get when you go out of the house dressed in black, in sweatpants, no lip gloss, no earrings, with your hair in a ponytail, looking like you literally rolled out of bed and walked outside. Instead of happiness and confidence, you signal to the world that you don't care. So why should anybody else? 

"But people should like me dressed anyway that I want to dress." Why do you think that real estate agents pay thousands of dollars to stage a house with rented furniture before they sell it? It is because people want to envision themselves in the house. Likewise, potential suitors want to envision themselves with you, and if you give them your "just rolled out of bed look" every single day, they won't be able to see the vision. 

Bottom line: confidence is arguably one of the most attractive aspects in another person.
If you don't have it, spend a little time every day trying to love yourself a little bit more. Invest in yourself and boost your confidence by spending time and money on YOU. Go get a massage, take a yoga class, take up that hobby you were always afraid to try out, book a vacation. The more time you spend on yourself, the more your confidence will grow. 



It Happened to Me: I Was Supposed To Get Married At the Navy Yard The Week Of The Mass Shooting


We both giggled and smiled as I unzipped the garment bag and reached in to take out my wedding dress. With my dress half in and half out of the bag, that was the very moment that my phone rang.   It was the Navy Yard.  "We are sorry to inform you that your wedding has been canceled."

(Originally posted in 2013.  Re-posted due to the 9/16/14 anniversary of the Navy Yard shooting.)

Prior to September 16th, no one had ever heard of the Navy Yard.  “You are getting married where?” That day's events changed all of that.  Everyone all over the country knew exactly where our upcoming wedding was going to be held. It was scheduled for Sunday, September 22nd.

I was getting ready to stand in front of a room full of people to facilitate a training session when a slew of words and phrases injected themselves into my thoughts.

“Did you hear about the shooting at the Navy Yard?

“Twelve people are dead.”

“They are still looking for the shooter.”

There was no time to think about my wedding at the Navy Yard. It was showtime and I was on. I forced myself into facilitation mode and tried to stay there for as long as I could. At dinner and during breaks, I felt myself crawling into a never-ending list of questions and what-if’s… and then reality would pull me back in…until the next text or voice mail would pop up on my phone asking me if I had heard about the shooting.

My cousin started making calls to another venue. For me, the thought of contacting and moving 300 people just seemed too overwhelming to me.  The barrage of voice mails and text messages sent me into a world where stress and questions made everything seem to stand still. Was this really happening? Out of all of the places to get married, was there really a mass shooting at the very place we chose to get married? And then came the questions:

“Even if you can still have your wedding, do you really want it there?”

“What are you guys planning to do?”

“Can you find another place to have it?

“Can you postpone it?”

It was now 9:30 pm and I had just stepped into my hotel room, marking the end of my conference for that evening. It would all begin again in the morning at 7 am.  

Exhausted, I switched on the television to see faces of the distraught, mourning their co-workers.  I thought about the families who were devastated and the people who had been glued to the news channels for the entire day.  My phone vibrated. It was a text from a friend, “What color should I wear to your wedding?” I quickly picked up my phone and called her,

“Have you not been listening to the news?” 

“I have been watching it all day”, she said. “But we are having a wedding on Sunday. So, what color should I wear?”

That 10 second exchange was all I needed.  I immediately let go of whatever was not in my control. Even if we were going to get married in my parents' backyard, there was going to be a wedding on Sunday.  All we wanted was to get married and both of us agreed that whatever the circumstances, that would still happen.

Fast forward to Thursday, September 17th.  I was headed to my last fitting with the seamstress. The Conference Center staff from the Navy Yard called and promised to let me know as soon as they knew something.  I headed back to my office with my wedding dress in my hands, honestly hoping for the best.

I popped my head in a friend’s office. “Do you want to see my dress?” I whispered to her.  She nodded feverishly. We both giggled and smiled as I unzipped the garment bag and reached in to take out my wedding dress. With my dress half in and half out of the bag, that was the very moment that my phone rang.   It was the Navy Yard. 

"We are sorry to inform you that your wedding has been canceled."  It was Thursday afternoon and the wedding was on Sunday. After months of planning, a twenty second message erased every ounce of laughter in the room.  I sat down, put my hands over my face and the tears began.  

The Navy Yard had informed me that they were doing their best to reschedule the wedding at an alternate location, minutes from the Navy Yard.  An hour later, the director of the Navy Yard let us know that our wedding had been officially moved. The start time would have to be pushed back and hour and a half. I had a matter of hours to collect the name, date of birth, and driver's license information from all 300 guests so they could enter the front gate.

I don’t believe there is a word in the dictionary to describe the amount of stress I was under at that moment.  I am sure that the five new grey hairs that I currently have, all came from that 24 hour period. Both of our families kicked into full gear to help call, email, and text as many people as they could. And the staff at the new location was AMAZING. (An extra thank to Lynn!) They all did whatever they could to ensure that we would have an incredible wedding surrounded by our friends and family.

By Sunday, all of that stress was in the past. We couldn’t have asked for a more amazing ceremony or reception, mostly because everyone we loved was there to watch us profess our love for each other.  We had a room filled with laughter, tears, dancing, and smiles from wall to wall. And we both got our wish…to spend the rest of our lives together.


Be sure to check out my book on Amazon: The Gift of Past Relationships